If They Wanted To, They Would

∧Photo features lovely friends who always “wanted to, and did”∧

Someone once told me “If they wanted to, they would” isn’t always true. They said that people sometimes get held back by fear or anxiety. So even if they wanted something more than anything, they still don’t go after it. When I heard this, I immediately applied it to my life. See… that didn’t quite work out the way I expected it to, let me explain.  

Personal Experience

At the time, I had a crush on a guy in my friend group. I was always messaging him, hanging out, and trying to suss out whether he liked me or not. I was of the mindset, “if he wanted to, he would”. Sorta in a limbo state, waiting for him to ask me out. It consumed so much of my thoughts and was making me a bit anxious. Eventually I received the advice that some people are held back by fears and anxiety. I realized that it is an unfair expectation that he should make the first move, if I wasn’t willing to do the same. So… I asked him out.

I was slightly surprised, but mostly excited when he said yes. I didn’t think it would be that easy. All that time feeling so anxious was relieved by just asking. We set a date and made a plan, but when it came time, something came up. Then something else came up… After a few days of trying to reschedule and figure things out, the excitement faded, and I began to lose interest. I decided to put the ball in his court by telling him to let me know what time/date worked for him…and nothing ever came out of that either.

I won’t lie, I was a bit disappointed, but took it as a sign that he wasn’t that into me. I had already been through a fling that taught me to be content by myself rather than staying hung up on someone who didn’t even like me. So I got over it. But as I reflected, I realized a few things.

What I learned

#1 If he truly was into me, he would have made some moves.

-I would have had some sort of sign that he liked me more than just as a friend. So I was essentially forcing something that wasn’t even there. 

#2 I thought about this question- What if he did like me, but just never did anything about it?

-In hindsight, do I really want people in my life who aren’t willing to shoot a shot, even if it risks a miss? And I am talking about anything in life, not just dating. I realized a new quality that I wanted people around me to have. I want to be surrounded by people who go after the things they want in this life. Despite the difficulty, the risks, or the odds. People who really lived by “if they want to, they will” type of mentality.

Lost The Boy, Gained Myself

Now, part of me realizes that I should not have asked him out, based on the lack of signs he was giving me. But I am grateful I did. I was practicing becoming the kind of person I want to be. Which is someone who goes after what they want. Not someone who sits in the waiting room of life, in a chronic state of limbo. I began taking control and taking action in my own life. Even though things didn’t work out, I am grateful to have had an answer rather than waiting and fantasizing about something that’s not even real. At that point I could move on and find people who would put just as much into me as I put into them. 

Take away:

At the end of the day, I think all of these statements are true. 

• “If he wanted to, he would” 
• People are held back by anxiety, but those aren’t the kind of people I want closest to me. 
• Personal favorite- “If I want to, I will”
• Put energy into people who put energy into you. 

Where To Put Your Energy

Personal story-

While attending college, I had friends who would make plans without my roommate and I. Which is completely fine and even normal to hang out with other people. It’s even nice to take an occasional break from people you are around 24/7. A problem that would occur was that they would not communicate. They wouldn’t respond to our messages then give us excuses the next day. This left my friend and I waiting around until they answered.

We realized that we wanted to be with them more than they wanted to be with us, and that they didn’t care enough or have the maturity to communicate. This showed an uneven exchange of energy. We put a lot of time and energy into hanging out with them, and trying to make them feel loved and included. But they wouldn’t do the same for us. Eventually we learned to set boundaries and how to deal with people like that.

Examples of Boundaries 

• Occasionally I would set a time limit on how long I would wait for a reply from a friend before going to do the activity on my own. 
• We had to learn individually and together to be content on our own(Learn to love yourself). We began to make plans on our own, then invite people. And follow through, whether or not people decided to join. Because if you are always waiting on others to fill your cup for you, you will never be full.
• Compromising is great when planning things with people. But if you notice that you are constantly giving up your preferences or ideas, then communicate that with your friends. If they don’t hear you out or respect your opinions, then go do the things you love on your own or with different people. 

Don’t forget that…

– If they want to hang out with you, they will make the effort

-If they want you around, they will invite you 

-Don’t put up with any sort of frequent excuses later on about why they “forgot” or “couldn’t” or felt uncomfortable. 

-People who don’t make the effort to spend time with you, or give excuses as to why they couldn’t, are not worth your time and energy. 

-Stop giving more to people who don’t give just as much of themselves back. 

-And if it takes some time to find the community worth your energy, then put that love, care, and respect into yourself. 

Overall, you do not have to surround yourself with people who are bringing you down more than lifting you up. Quality friends are worth searching for and if needed, waiting for. Once you find people who treat you well, hold on to them. But until then, be your own best friend (Self-Love practices)

Comment Questions:

Do you have people in your life that put as much energy into you, as you do them?

Are you the kind of person who does the the things they want to? How can you become that person(if you want to)?