Do you ever feel like you have outgrown a friendship or relationship of some kind? Someone you once felt so connected to and maybe even loved. And now you feel a bit guilty for no longer wanting them to be as present in your life? Having people come in and out is such a normal part of life, but can be difficult to navigate. It can also be extremely emotional to say goodbye to people you care so deeply for.
Let’s look at how to identify the people in our lives who we want to keep verses the people we should move on from. And what steps it takes in order to move on from relationships. Let’s start with the concept of impermanent relationships. I found a quote that explains this idea so well.
Impermanent Relationships
The Bridge Theory
“Some people weren’t meant to walk the whole journey with you. They were just the bridge. They helped you cross from who you were to who you needed to become. And once you crossed, they disappeared. Not because they were bad, but because their role was finished. Travel teaches you that not every connection lasts. Some people are chapters, not the whole book, and that’s okay. Don’t chase what’s already served its purpose. Honor the bridge, but keep walking.”
Personal Example:
Before I discovered this quote or understood the concept of letting people go, I had to learn it the hard way.
I was very blessed with great friends growing up. I stayed in the same house for 17 years, so my community of people was decently consistent. To this day, I still have friends I made in first grade and on. I am extremely grateful for the group of girls that I now consider family.
As connected as we all were throughout our childhood, we all went our separate ways after high school. I didn’t realize that going into college, I brought with me a high expectation for friends. At the time, being friends meant a lifelong commitment. Because up to that point, the people closest to me were going to be in my life forever. They were the new aunties to my future babies.
See now in college, I let people in who would later need to be let out. Over the next three years living in Hawaii, for one reason or another, I found myself letting go of friends. Each time I did this, it felt like a big break up. I had planned on being friends with them forever, but I discovered that I had outgrown them. The concept of outgrowing people was new to me, because my childhood friends used to grow with me, not away.
Outgrowing Friendships
Sometimes in life, people you once found yourself so connected to, are suddenly so far behind, or just moving in a completely different direction. There may be a shift in values, interests, motivation, maturity… Whatever it is, the two of you are no longer aligned.
As I outgrew these friends, I realized that they are who that quote in the beginning is talking about. They were not meant to be in my life forever. We learned from each other, grew, and had begun pulling each other down. I wasn’t able to move forward, because I was trying to bring someone with me who needed to stay in my past. At least that is how I felt.
I felt like there was so much I wanted to learn, experience, and grow in life. But my friends were comfortable, stagnant, living everyday the same as the last. You know the saying “you become your friends”, my friends were not the kind of people I wanted to become. I also noticed an increase in lying, poor communication, and overall drama. I knew that I needed to let go and move on in order to better myself. So I chose to protect my peace, by parting ways. I am very grateful for those friends for that time, but I am even more grateful for having the courage to leave. Leaving isn’t always easy, but sometimes it is what’s best.
How to leave a friendship:
#1 talk to them: Some people are super receptive to a quality/mature conversation, message, or letter. You can share with them how grateful you are for their friendship. Then explain how your priorities are shifting and that you will be directing your attention into other things. Explain how much you would like to keep in contact if at all, and wish them the best in life. This is a really difficult discussion to have and they may have lots of questions. You can decide if you want to answer questions, negotiate boundaries, or just set them and leave it at that.
#2 distance yourself: I found this works best for people who may respond to a conversation very negatively and cause a lot of extra drama. If you are trying to protect the relationship and keep it civil, it may be best to take the route of cutting them out of your life. There are lots of ways this can be done, but two I have used are short and sweet, and slow and subtle.
- Short and sweet: Just stop all interactions with said person. If you still run into them every now and again, keep conversations short and sweet. Don’t ghost them, but simply say no thank you to getting together and keep responses short.
- Slow and subtle: This is meant to slowly fade them out. Start by saying no every once in a while, then increase the frequency over time. Ex: go from seeing them everyday- every few days- once a week- once a month…In this time, hopefully they find other ways to spend their time as well as yourself.
With both of these methods, you will discover who really cares about you. Someone who truly cares will ask why you are distancing yourself and or won’t give up on you. Others will just let it happen and stop trying all together.
You Chose Who Stays
The beauty in all of this is that you get to choose who is worth holding on to. Who is worth investing your time and energy into. The reality is that your inner circle can only be so big. Your “inner circle” is the people in your life who know you on a deep level and you know them. You likely don’t have time to call and catch up regularly with everyone you consider friends and family.
The quality of relationships are far superior to the quantity of relationships. It is best to have a few deep relationships rather than many people you connect with on a more shallow level. Especially when it comes to your inner circle. So pick people who put as much into you as you put into them. People who you want to become and who you want to be in your life for a long time.
As life gets busy, it is easy to forget to make time for these relationships…
Saying Goodbye is Inevitable
After Hawaii, I practiced valuing relationships as they were present and active in my life, then casually let them go. Leaving them open ended, and not burning bridges. I spent the few years after moving away from Hawaii either moving states every couple of months for seasonal jobs, or traveling to different countries. Each place I either lived or visited, I had met amazing people that I connected with and learned from. We had great conversations, sharing knowledge, experiences, and perspectives. As each visit would come to an end, I found that some goodbyes were harder than others. But each ended on such a great note.
As sad as it can be saying goodbye, I grew content with the idea of never seeing some of these people again. I tried to be grateful for the time we had together as well as the fact that our paths crossed at all. At the same time, I knew that if the stars align once again then we could resume a relationship as if no time had passed at all.
Overall
The proportion of people that come in and out of your life is far bigger than those who stay long term. So learning how to identify who is worth keeping close versus those you gracefully say goodbye to will help reduce some stress. If you try to keep in contact with everyone or have an emotional breakdown any time you have to say goodbye to people, you will be experiencing far more stress than necessary. Feeling sad is normal, wanting to love and care for people is normal, goodbyes are normal. I guess this is my blunt way of saying that parting ways with people you value is inevitable and you have to get use to it.
Comment Questions:
What is something you learned from someone who was in your life for a short time?
Do you have an experience with a difficult, but valuable goodbye?
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