Part 1

Learning to loving yourself is a skill and a habit that, depending on the person, may or may not come easily.

I believe that people are born with a lot of love in their hearts. But as we grow up we are influenced by so much that can really affect the way we love ourselves. 

No matter where you are at now or how you got here, I think learning to love yourself is something everyone can gain more knowledge on, practice, and improve in. Like most people I have experienced a deep love as well as a massive lack of love and connection to myself. My hope is that something on this page can help you develop a deeper love for yourself, more specifically, an unconditional love. It is one thing to say that you love yourself and others, but it is a whole other thing to say that you love unconditionally.

Key Points

Part 1: Learning to Love Yourself

• What is unconditional love?
• Why is it important to love yourself?

Part 2: Self-Love: Practices 

• Self-Love Practices
• Self-Love is  a mindset
• Don’t Just Say it, Do it

What is unconditional love?

In short terms: a quick google search defines unconditional love as “affection without any limitations, or love without conditions”. 

My definition: Love may eb and flow depending on many variables, but unconditional love is unchanging and timeless.  

In the form of a story that can help provide a deeper understanding of unconditional love:

I was living in Southern Utah when I decided to attend a course at a local church called “Religion to Relationship”. In this class, the instructor shared a beautiful story. It was talking about himself and his son to demonstrate what unconditional love truly means.

Paraphrased:

One day my son asked me “would you still love me if I said a bad word?”. My immediate thought as well as response was “Of course, I would be a bit disappointed but I would love you all the same”. His question really took me by surprise. I myself knew that there is nothing my son could do to make me love him any less, but his question reflects that he is not of the same understanding. I decided to ask him some questions to help him understand my deep emotions of love towards him. 

I started by asking him “Son, what do you think you can do to make me love you less?”. He responded with things like teasing his sister, getting a bad grade on a report card, not doing his chores… Each time I responded with a variation of mmm no, not that, or that wouldn’t do it, I would still love you the same. My son looking a little confused, I then challenged him by asking, “What do you think you could do to make me love you more?”. My son said, “how about sharing with my sister?”. To which I responded, “No that couldn’t make me love you more, keep trying”. Confused but convinced he could come up with something. He said, “what if I wake up early to clean the whole house, and mow the lawn, and make breakfast?”. I responded by saying “Hmm no, not quite”.

My son began feeling a bit perplexed that even after all that I still wouldn’t love him more. Now myself a bit saddened by his associations of my level of love for him, I made sure to clear things up for him. I said to my son that “there is nothing in this world that you can do to make me love you any more or any less. The moment I learned that you existed, I decided to love you with all my heart all the time. Whether you were crying or laughing, being kind or mean, when you got good grades or bad grades. I may have a preference on your choices, and depending on the situation other emotions may get involved. But the feeling of love will always be there no matter what. I hope you remember that”.

This story gave me a new understanding of what unconditional love really means. Far too often our worth is wrapped up in our careers, “success”, relationships, material belongings, and so many other things. These “things” are a part of life and can be great, but they have no business affecting the love I have for myself and others. Just think about it, you know who the people are who stayed during the highest and lowest points in your life. If you were or are in a situation where you see no one else on your side, don’t forget that there is always at least one. Yourself. You will be much better off learning to love yourself sooner rather than later. Because you are the sure fire person who will always be there.

Love between a mother and daughter

Why is learning to love yourself important?

The reality is that you(your mind, your heart, and your body) are the only person/being you can count on being there 100% of the time. To some this may seem obvious, but most people at one point or another feel completely alone. Not because we are truly alone, but because we don’t find company in our own presence. We aren’t fulfilled being alone, because we have conditioned ourselves to only feel fulfilled in the presence of others. From the validation from others. The attention from others. The love others give us. 

How does it make you feel if I say…

-You can provide yourself with peace, validation, attention, joy/positivity, and love?

-If you can validate yourself you don’t need to seek validation from others.

-If you love yourself you don’t need to seek love from others.

I am not saying that validation from others is bad or love from others shouldn’t be desired. What I am saying is that it needs to come from within first. 

It is extremely empowering to know that you have the most influence on yourself.

I am going to start talking in terms of the metaphorical analogy of filling your cup.

The cup being you, and the water being the sense of daily fulfillment, ideally always being full. It is important to always fill your cup first for many reasons. First, I am sure you have heard this one before but I will say it again, you can’t fill anyone’s cup if yours is empty. If you are around people you care about during the day you likely spend some time lifting them up in one way or another. You may be providing an act of service, complimenting them, letting them vent to you… all of these things tend to pour out of your cup into theirs. If you don’t have water left to give, you walk away feeling even more empty.

Second, if you fill your cup first, you won’t be reliant on others to fill it up for you. If your emotional state or sense of fulfillment is reliant on others, then you never know if or when your cup will be full. You give the power to fill your cup to others and will find that it is often more empty than full. Leaving you feeling powerless and empty.

What does it look like to fill your own cup? What does it look like learning to love yourself?

Learn more by reading part 2

Self-Love: Practices

Comment questions to answer down below:

What does love mean to you?

What has your relationship with self love been like up to this point in your life? Is it a priority?